My Day

I woke up today
In tears
That flowed freely
Down a trouble face
That had no hope
When I gazed in the mirror

Stepping into the shower
On shaking knees
Steam burning a hole in my heart
I wondered why?
As I washed those salty tears away

I dried myself
Touching each scar
Remembering
Each has a place
A story to tell
Will I ever share?

Sitting with tilted head
Brushing through tangles
If only life were that easy to solve
A simple sweep
Of a hand
All worries to disappear

One last look in the mirror
Ready to face my day
Swallow away all the pain
Smile, that smile
Speaking wordlessly all is well
Stepping out into world
Leaving behind all emotions
That will drag me down

Arriving, I do my job
Going through the motions
When asked is all right
Smiling a true smile for once this day
Not for a person of typical means
Instead for those who need it most
The raven who says "hello"
Who tells me "boo" when I turn
Who laughs a heart felt laugh
When others don't
How I would set him free
If I could
If he could live as he was meant to be

If only I could live as meant to be
To walk
To laugh
Without pain what a joy
Would that bring
If only for a day
To smile
In truth
To speak
No falseness

Taking out another who needs a hug
Who needs some time
To run free
Without a cage to fence her in
She moves with such curiosity
Such freedom
If only I could retain
A bit of that
All would seem different

Halfway through my day
Excusing myself
Finding a private spot
Closing eyes
Leaning against wall
Trying to control body
That seeks to betray
Anger seeping in
Why can't it all just go away?
For one day

Finally giving in
Making pretext
Reason to leave
Head pounding
Heart slowing down
Eyes trying to close of own accord
Driving down interstate
Struggle to stay awake
Light headed with dizzying thoughts
That seeks to overtake reality
Forcing me to another land

Reaching home
I take a deep breath
Now all I need is make it inside
Then I can
Forget all attempt at pretense
This pain surrounds me
Making me sick
Wanting to scream
Never allowing that weakness
For once given in
How do you take back
Always there will it be
Knowing that once I gave in so easily

Lying down
Eyes closed as world spins
Body betrayed once again
Mind grieves at this thought
Is this all there is
Forever more
To live each day
Knowing there is so much more
That is just beyond my grasp

Interacting with friends
Who haven't a clue
How could it be?
That they are so close
Yet, so far
A million miles away
Distance extreme
Never knowing true me
Will I ever show?
Or will I always hide

A life of excuses it seems
As once more
I seek reason to depart
Coming home once more
Showering in steam
That seeks to hide
What I feel
Laying down once more
Biting back the words I wish to utter
Seeking sleep
Where I will once more dance with death
As breathing slows
Tears once more fall down troubled cheeks
As my strength is hidden in dreams
Leaving only me
All alone
Once more